Chain-Educational E-mails

Just sharing this funny e-mail that was sent to me.

"As we approach the end of another month, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery."

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallon of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about the rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258Th time.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet of feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minute, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, its too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NASA Undergraduate Student Research Program

Dear NASA USRP Applicants,

The NASA Undergraduate Student Research Program (USRP) is currently seeking applicants for the Summer 2010 internship session. NASA USRP offers mentored internship experiences at all 12 NASA Centers and Research Facilities across the United States. The program provides hands-on technical and research experiences with outstanding NASA scientists and engineers. The Summer 2010 application will be due on January 22, 2010.

USRP Eligibility Requirements:
U.S. Citizenship: permanent residents or other visa categories are not accepted.
Classified as a Sophomore, Junior or Senior before the expected commencement of the internship session.
Academic major or demonstrated coursework concentration in engineering, mathematics, computer science, or physical sciences or life sciences.
Demonstrated strong interest/commitment to one of the above career fields or disciplines (e.g., science/math/engineering fairs, clubs, or awards; tutoring/mentoring; internships or other related experience).
Minimum cumulative grade point average of 3.0 on a scale of 4.0
Students may apply for a session within their first year after completion of a Bachelor’s degree (1st year graduate) but they must have participated in a previous NASA experience.
Students that have participated in a past USRP internship may only participate in USRP one time in a given calendar year.

Apply Now!
http://usrp.usra.edu




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Executive Order From Arizona Governor Brewer

Yesterday, I issued an Executive Order encouraging the celebration of Christmas and Hanukkah and prohibiting any censorship of these religious holidays.
As you may know, in the past, state and local officials in Arizona (and elsewhere) have attempted to strip both Christmas and Hanukkah of their meaning, including establishment of policies forbidding state employees from placing religious items of celebration at their desks, re-naming of Christmas trees as "holiday" trees, and renaming of Menorahs as "candlesticks."
Under my administration, I will call things what they are...a Christmas Tree and a Menorah... and will gladly allow both Christmas and Hanukkah to be celebrated at the State Capitol. I encourage my colleagues and fellow elected officials to do the same.
Finally, as I have mentioned before, this is also a season for fire safety. Please remember to be careful with your Christmas lights and any other holiday decorations. Remember to keep your tree watered and to keep a watchful eye on lit candles. Please be safe.
May God bless you, your home, and all of Arizona.

Sincerely,

Jan Brewer
Governor